How To Ruin Valentines Day
The only thing, realistically, that is worse than Valentine's day itself is the amount of pricks who insist on telling you that "it's not a real holiday, it's just made up by the card companies to sell more cards".  Of course this is only said by a) the perpetually single (and ergo unlikely to enjoy Valentine's day) or b) cheap bastard who won't pay the measly price of a card.

Anyway, it comes around every year and in the words of a great man "oh crud, I forgot to get a girlfriend again".  But rather than talking about my own problems, I will instead point out everyone elses.

Women seem to have a fixation on Valentine's day, and as with most things women have a fixation on it's filled with too much shit to be taken seriously.  As such I have provided a beautiful guide to methods a man can ruin Valentine's Day for his girlfriend/wife/stalking victim.  This first stage is of course to invite them out.  Failure to complete this step will ruin all the other steps as you'd be doing them on your own, which isn't fun.

The next stage is to do something to completely ruin all her trust in you, possibly psychologically scar her and scare the shit out of her, whilst at the same time, pleasently amusing yourself... that is very important.  I mean you could take her to see a shitty film or a boring play (which is any play) but where's the fun in that for you?

For suggestions I've come up with the following:-

  1 - Murder a small child with a hammer in her presence.
  2 - Spend the entire time vomiting into her face.
  3 - Show up pissed, force her into the passenger seat of a high-powered sports car and take off at 150mph the wrong way           down a busy road.
  4 - Hold her at gunpoint as a hostage in a police siege, demanding to be taken to Afghanistan.
  5 - Disembowell a small kitten in front of her, than force feed her it's remains.
  6 - Chase her around an abandoned funfair, screaming nonsense and brandishing a meat cleaver.
  7 - Take her to see a bestiality sex show.
  8 - Drive her around the seedy areas of the town "hooker spotting".
  9 - Punch her in the face everytime she speaks, shouting "shut up bitch".
  10 - Kill her.

Now this probably isn't fun for you entirely, and several of those will result in your arrest and trial, but they're merely suggestions.  Think of something creative for yourself.  How about taking her to see monster trucks?  Or a night in with a good porno?  If the latter may I recommend Millionaire on Private... if porno's could ever be considered classy, then this would be classiest.

For women to ruin Valentine's day is a lot simpler.  Let a guy take you out on a date, let him spend lots of money, then siumply don't sleep with him.  Don't even kiss him.  This is alot easier to do than my male-centric suggestions above and won't send you to jail.

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