Today, in a state of near panic about an unpaid council tax bill I kept having little mini-fainting fits. Like a massive rush of anxiety would take me and I'd fall the floor. Still concious I would have to just drag myself up. This is usually okay so long as you remembered to stay away from sharp corners, but I did hit the back of my head on a wardrobe. This is the first time in a while this has happened, but it was by far the weirdest. It's an amazingly scary experience just having your body sort of give up on you, but in slow motion so you just crumple (rather than fall) to the ground. The feeling of losing control like that is usually far scarier than whatever you were worrying about.
It's difficult to really understand why this happens to me. I don't really know what causes me to have a good or a bad day, or why some issues will set me off into utter panic. Perhaps it's alot more common than I imagine, but I doubt it. The world can't be full of people fainting and having panic attacks at the first sign of trouble. It only provides a few benefits to me, such as being assured I'm never called up for military service, under the assumption that exposed to the sort of mortal danger a soldier would face I'd turn into a pathetic gibbering wreck. But the downsides are massive. Faced with anything to do with finances I just want to run away and hide and ignore it. Hence the unpaid council tax bill. Looking at it now makes me feel ill, and tomorrow I have to explain to Glasgow City Council that I don't actually have £200 to hand over to them. Although in my defence, they didn't actually tell me I needed to pay anything until last Friday. Anyway it still leaves me worrying I'm going to have another little whimp-out tomorrow during an important discussion.
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