However, there are other things which can be done to entertain yourself without resorting to a bizarre and irrational hatred of someone just because they're wearing bleached jeans with holes in them that they paid £200 for, or for wearing a baseball cap in a stupid way. I refer to the title of this diatrade, alternative hobbies for the modern urban male.
Now that's a pretentious title, but before you run away let me explain it. The alternative hobbies are an alternative to the current hobby of most urban males of drinking ten pints of Stella and getting into a fight. Whilst this has been a staple source of entertainment for many for years, it's now stale and needs freshening up. And by "modern urban male" which is a horribly Barley-esque name for people who meet the following criteria:-
a) Male (i.e. balls, penis, no tits).
b) Live in a city (i.e. lots of people, buildings, buses, more than 1 nightclub)
c) Are not gay (gay people have lots of fun anyway so they don't need these hobbies)
d) Not in a serious relationship (as you're not allowed to have fun)
Now if you meet every single one of these criteria (ALL OF THEM) then this list of hobbies is for you:-
National Front/BNP Fighting
What? Very similar to the 10-pints-and-a-stabbing that I'm trying to get rid of, but at least this has direction, as the NF and the BNP are not very nice people, and perhaps it would be better if they were kept in their place.
Pros Feeling of self-worth.
Cons Might lose the fight, might be arrested for GBH, might have to pay a stupid racist cunt compensation.
Fun Rating 7/10 (equivilant to having sex with your ex).
Anti-anti-capitalist Protesting
What? Simply going down to an anti-globalisation protest and pointing out to the stupid middle-class neo-hippies that they war on capitalism has already been lost and since they don't offer any solutions perhaps it would be best if they went home and tried to form an actual plan for creating a better World rather than moaning about a system where they are some of the prime beneficeries.
Pros Neo-Hippies are pussies and won't hit you.
Cons Neo-Hippies are really stupid and will come at you with some irrational and illogical argument, or start ranting about weed.
Fun Rating 5/10 (Like sneakily kicking a little yappy dog).
Heroin Addiction
What? There's nothing the modern man-about-town needs right now like a heroin (and/or crack) addiction. Pete Doherty doing it, and you could to.
Pros Starts out fun.
Cons Ends in AIDs, ODs, homelessness, jail, etc...
Fun rating Starts at 10/10, falling to -1000000/10 as you progress.
Prostitute Liberation
What? Simply find your nearest seedy knocking shop, bust in there with a samurai sword (or better yet, a shotgun) and free the poor illegal Eastern European sex slaves.
Pros Saved young women from a lifetime of sexual slavery and rape.
Cons Albanian gangsters will cut off your balls.
Fun Rating 8/10 (equivilant to visiting the knocking shop and not being charged).
Beating Up Kids
What? We all know that deep down men crave violence, so what better way to express this than standing outside a primary school and fly-kicking the kids as they leave.
Pros Satisfies your bloodlust
Cons Arrest, jail and being branded a nonce even though you didn't actually have sex with any kids.
Fun Rating 6/10 (equivilant to going to bed with a hot water bottle and a bottle of Jack Daniel's)
Pizza Hut Buffet 4-1/2 Hour Challenge
What? Enter Pizza Hut at midday when the lunch buffet starts. Keep eating until half-four when it ends. I suppose you could make a game, or challenge your friend or something but realistically if you do this you don't have to eat for a another couple of days, saving you lots of money.
Pros Eating lots of pizza is awesome.
Cons You'll get fat and die of heart disease.
Fun Rating 10/10 (eqivilant to eating nothing but pizza for 4-1/2 hours)
Mashed Potato Flavour Experiment
What? Make loads of different flavours of mashed potato just to see what they're like. Try adding things like philadelphia, bacon, ice cream, deodorant... basically let your imagination run wild until you find the perfect flavour for you.
Pros Mashed potato is even better than pizza.
Cons I fail to see any.
Fun Rating 10,000,000/10 (there is nothing more fun)
Backwards Ho