Accidents - A downer to start but everyone is always costantly telling you about car accidents. From the signs that say "120 Death In The Past 3 Years" to car adverts showing you the various ways that a particular car looks after you in the event of a crash. The oft-quoted statistic is that your safer flying in a plane than driving anyway. Well this is all good and true but they don't let any old fucking retard fly a plane now do they? And the amount of idiots on the road with cars is bound to make it more dangerous. Anyway, the point is, if you have an accident, they'll always be someone else thicker than you to blame. Don't ever take the blame otherwise the insurance companies rip you off for the rest of your life.
Banned - Bugger, who'd have thought the police would actually prosecute you for driving 60mph outside a primary school?
Cameras - Don't compalin if you get caught by a speeding camera. You were speeding, and that's what they are there to do. Anyway, you can buy one of those road maps with all the speed cameras marked out now (although mobile ones are still a bitch).
Drunk Driving - Don't do this, otherwise the accident is your fault and you've just been a stupid bastard who's probably killed a school kid. You twat.
Enviroment - Cars do great damage to the enviroment, yeah, but this doesn't mean fucking stupid hippy cyclists can get away with shouting at you. It's a good idea to punch them in the face to settle any arguments. Anyways the rules are basically be sensible. Do you really need a 4x4 to go down the Chinese? Probably not unless you live halfway up a cliff. And anyway, coal power stations and high-intensity industry pump out heaps of CO2, you going down to ASDA is a drop in an ocean compared to that.
Four-wheel Drive - A type of car usually owned by self-important cunts who think that having the power of a small tank is necessary for a trip to Sainsbury's and dropping little Hugo and Jemima off at their over priced minor public school. You have permission to assualt drivers of 4x4s if they don't live in the countryside. And anyway, all the 4x4s are just fucking toys next to a real man's Land Rover... actually I want one of those. The only exception is a Hummer, which is so "fuck you" it can work.
Gas - (P was already taken) AKA Petrol. You're most precious commodity. In fact there's no better way to waste your money than by filling up your tank with petrol, then sitting there wistfully not going anywhere as you can't afford the parking. Petrol prices are shit so try and get someone else to pay.
Horsepower - I have no idea what this is, and I do fine so don't fucking bother with it.
Indicate - This is fucking rule number 1, ALWAYS FUCKING INDICATE BEFORE YOU TURN. Not during, not after. The amount of times I've almost smacked into the back of some docile cunt who didn't bother is beyond recollection and it make me want to murder you.
Jam (Traffic) - If you're stuck in traffic, you're stuck in traffic, and no amount of leaning on your horn or constantly switching lanes will change that. Take some time to relax and listen to the radio, and if you're late for something important, who can argue with being stuck in traffic?
Kwik-fit - Or any one of the hundreds of garages. Once a year you have to submit your car to them for a day, so they can give you an MOT. This'll usually cost heaps and they'll always find something extra you have to pay for. You just have to accept it, they've got the power in this relationship. Although if a garage does a really shitty job and rips you off I guess you can burn it down... but don't get caught. Also Keys, which you'll lose with somewhat alarming regularity.
License - Bit of paper that tells people that you are a qualified driver. After that essentially worthless except for keeping a tally of how many points you have.
Modifications - Just because it has a spoiler, racing seats, tinted windows and neon lights doesn't mean it's not still a Vauxhall Corsa. If you have anything done to your car to make it look like a racing car, anything at all, then you are a cunt and should consider shooting yourself in the face at the first available opportunity.
Nerds - Be very wary of people who can quote you stats about "horsepower" or have posters of Ferarris. They're usually really really boring.
O - I can't think of anything for O, sorry.
Pedestrians - Driving in a city these are the bane of your life. I once almost ran over a girl who tried to cross a main road without even checking to see if anything was coming. She blindly stepped out from in front of a stopped bus and I had to smash the brakes on and bash my horn. Subsequently I decided she must have been pretty dumb and maybe I would have done the world a favour by running her over. Always watch out for idiots like that. Oh, P can also be Parking, which is also shitty in cities. My advice is to have a small car (natch).
Quids - As in money. Cars cost loads to run.
Roadworks - Yay! What could be better than watching a bunch of "work"men in day-glo vests sitting around doing nothing whilst traffic slows to a crawl and you're suddenly filled with an immense sense of rage? Anything really, it's shit, but you have to move on I guess.
Speeding - Speeding is an excellent way to get somewhere faster. It's also a good way to get arrested. Then imprisoned. Then anally raped. It''s okay on motorways and A roads I guess, but speeding around a town is pointless. Get a real hobby.
Test - Nerve racking, scary, but actually really easy. It all depends on how your examiner is feeling, so try and get a time just after lunch when they're happy and full. Mine missed me pulling away from stopped in third gear.. haha.
Under the seats - Really, don't bother. Get someone else to clean under there, it's too gross to deal with. Literally every bit of filth you bring into the car will end up there.
Valium - Not sensible to drive after taking one of these. Basically if you're on sedatives, don't drive. I did it once and nearly killed myself, and was racked with guilt about for weeks.
Windscreen - The bit of glass in front of the driver's seat that protects you from the elements. If it's broken then something done gone wrong for you. Also you can try and clean it with the washer fluid squirter thing cars have, but it doesn't work.
XXX - Don't read porn whilst driving (I couldn't think of anything for X)
Young Drivers - Cause the most accidents as they're cocky assholes. That's why until you're 21 you're only allowed 6 points on your license (which is two speeding tickets). Also they seem to die more frequently in serious car smashes. PErhaps this is some kind of Darwinian system in motion. Anyway, when you are one you'll be all psyched about driving but a few years later and you'll be screaming at them to fuck off.
Z-Cars - An old UK police detective show from the 70's. The name comes from slang for a police patrol car. If you ever see one in your rearview mirror and it's lights are flashing you're fucked.
Vroom Vroom Baby